The Conscious Denial

It was in the early 2017 when slight signs were unveiling, I really didn’t want to pay attention to them, after all I’ll be a qualified engineer in a few months and I will be in full control of my life. But in the deepest of my heart I was scared of what I was feeling, I didn’t want to believe He will call me to serve Him that early. I knew again that I was fooling myself, the funny thing is that I started believing my own lie. I’d jokingly ask my friends what if God call us to serve Him after varsity. “It just won’t happen,I mean it can’t happen,” I whispered the lie to myself. Self- brainwashed I would call it.

I graduated, reality started hitting by. I had my own plans, apart from His. I didn’t even want to inquire more from Him because I was afraid He would be right and different from me. The best way to escape was not to ask Him to lead me. I would just continue with my daily Christian routine. Pray, worship, praise and serve like any other. I was running away from being caught up in His highway. I knew it was gonna lead me to my purpose which is possibly different from my own selfish ambitions. Cooperation was never a thing to give but in a short, He had to step in. Not in a good way but for my good. Tragedy struck by and I was only left with Him. It’s funny how we sometimes run away from God and we ultimately get caught up in a tight corner that leaves us with no option but running back to Him. I had to surrender, it was not easy. I learnt to do it everyday but all the other days I would feel like let me just do as I please. A surrendered life is not as easy. I kept falling but I found Him stretching out His hand all the time to pick me up. I never wanted to believe in what He has called me for; to speak for Him. I sorta kinda knew I had to do it but really take it to my heart. I lost a lot in trying to run away. Could I have just yielded to Him things would have been a lot easier. But He is a graceful Saviour, His power is forever manifest in our weaknesses, slow to anger and relentless towards His own.

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